The Psychology Of Deciding To Get Married After 5 Weeks Of Dating

The Psychology Of Deciding To Get Married After 5 Weeks Of Dating

Jonathon and I got married after 8 weeks of dating.

Well, actually, we probably get married after less than 8 weeks of dating. You see, the trajectory of our romance was to meet at Barnes & Noble for a “coffee thing”, then meet up a week later after I got back from Guatemala for a “dinner thing” (at which we made out like teenagers) and then to tell ourselves that we were just Friend-Fucking (that’s an Anjali original, don’t steal it) until one weekend away when we admitted our feelings to each other. And even after that, I had a freakout. So we probably got married after about 6 and a half weeks of dating, but let’s go with 8 for a nice round number’s sake: 8 weeks is the exact amount of time between our first true date – our dinner date – and our wedding. 8 weeks from our first kiss to our wedded bliss. (Go ahead, puke. I’ll wait.)

Since we actually got married after 8 weeks, and we were engaged for 3, that means we decided to get married after approximately 5 weeks of being “together” – whatever that word actually means. Because it wasn’t 5 weeks of coupledom, it was 5 weeks of Friend-Fucking and goofing off and occasional dates. It was 5 weeks of doing whatever the fuck we were doing, but falling madly in love doing it. Just 5 weeks.

So the question is as follows: are we nuts? Maybe, but I actually think we’re incredibly sane and in this blog, I’m going to tell you why. Here’s the crux of it: we went into our marriage knowing that we had everything in the world to learn and nothing in the world to rely on.

I’ll start at the beginning: I’ve never been a fan of the “American” path of dating to marriage, nor, truly, have I really been a fan of the “Indian” path. In the American culture, we pick a person, we date them for what we or they or our families view as an “appropriate” amount of time, then we get engaged, then we stay engaged for another “appropriate” amount of time as we plan our giant circus of a wedding, then we get married, feeling at least comfortable that we know everything there is to know about a person and that we won’t find any surprises along the way. We don’t actually analyze the similarity of backgrounds or possibilities of a marriage working from a logical standpoint. We date, in the American culture, for years, often 2 or more years before getting engaged. In that time, we think we’re learning everything there is to know about our partner. We think we’re seeing our partner at their best and worst. We think we’re discovering the skills and tools that we’ll need to live our life with our partner and that after our marriage, we’ll just be ready to put them to work.

We’re – and this is the long and short of it – wrong.

But let’s check out the Indian culture before we analyze that more: in the Indian culture, it’s the exact opposite. We (and I’m going to use the term “we” for both cultures because I am both Indian by heritage and blood and American by birthright and upbringing) don’t know our spouses at all, mostly. For the traditional arranged Indian marriage, we meet our spouse maybe once, but the decision of whether to marry is based on how similar their background is to our background, whether our families’ socioeconomic classes align and how beneficial the partnership would be for each of them, and whether we’re at the “marrying age.” Contrary to the American path to marriage, the Indian path is all logical, all analysis: there’s no love, there’s no spark, there’s just an almost business-like transaction of whether two people and their families would be a good fit.

We’re – and this is the long and short of it – wrong there, too.

Marriage, though it may at one time have had this luxury, is no longer just about blind love. And marriage, though it may one time have been, is no longer a pure business transaction.

Though this may not be the most romantic idea in the world, the truth is, it’s somewhere in the middle. Marriage, I think, should be at least a little bit about logic, and whether the two of you, and your families and your companion animals and everything else you are merging, can work well together for a lifetime. It should also, though, be a lot about blind love. After all, when you feel like you’ve met The One – even if you haven’t believed in the idea of The One for your entire life – shouldn’t there be a whole world of whimsy wrapped up in the decision to marry them?

My story with Jonathon, then, is equal parts wild, crazy, unbelievable love mixed in with a true partnership and the ability to see our lives merged successfully for our coming years.

So, what does this all does this all mean for the psychology of deciding to get married after 5 weeks of dating?

Well, because in my mind, deciding to get married after just a few weeks of dating is the perfect mix of my two cultures: you’re given the time and opportunity to realize someone is The One and to see how that spark feels, but then you’re also going in realizing it is actually the biggest transaction of your life – and that you know next to nothing about the person you’re about to call your spouse.

See, Jonathon and I had a least few significant, deep conversations before our wedding where we spoke about what we expected our marriage to look like. Some of those conversations were about real “adulting” issues: things like expectations for communication and space and family and friends and money and careers. Others, though, were just about the view we were both taking on our marriage: the view that we knew almost nothing about each other and that half of the adventure would be learning.

Jonathon and I never lived together before getting married. Jonathon and I barely spent any nights together before getting married! The best we did is a few days in a hotel, going to a rave and sleeping – not exactly real life. We did go on some dates before we decided to get engaged – but we didn’t spend any real time with each other’s families, we didn’t take any long trips together, we didn’t deal with anything that we thought was really, really hard.

What we did do is fall madly in love and realize that we were made just for each other, like two perfect little wholes creating an even bigger, better whole (I don’t subscribe to that “you’re half a person until you find our soulmate” bullshit – he and I were perfect, successful, individually cool people before we met each other and now, we just get to share that. It’s not like we were sub-humans before our coupledom!). And in realizing that we were crazy in love (emphasis on the word crazy), we also realized that we didn’t know shit about each other. We didn’t go in, having spent years together, with the false impression that we know everything there was to know about the other human. We went in looking forward to learning and growing and changing together.

We went in – and this is the critical part – knowing that we were going to find out things that we loved about each other, but also that we were going to find out things that were totally annoying about each other – and that regardless of anything that may come our way, we were going to wake up each morning and choose to love each other all over again.

We’ve been married for two weeks, so of course, we have no idea if the strategy will actually work. But objectively, as a lover of humans and relationships and connections, I think the idea of being ready to learn and deal with new things that come up is better than the idea of thinking you know it all.

We already decided to love each other forever. We also decided we’ll probably hate each other sometimes. And – importantly – we decided that both of those things are totally okay.

So, back to my original question: are we nuts? Well, back to my original answer: maybe, but if we are, it’s nuts in the best possible way, the way that skirts the edge of both sanity and insanity – we’re nuts because we made the decision to get married based purely on raw emotion, but we’re making the decision to stay married forever by accepting we have so much learn and the rest of our lives to do it.

Here’s The Thing About Boundaries…

Here’s The Thing About Boundaries…

Very rarely is it acceptable to be an outright asshole.

Most people don’t take super kindly to other people being rude or obnoxious or straight-up mean, with poor intentions. It’s normally clear how to react in those situations: shut it down.

That said, most people – myself included – aren’t sure how to react in the situation where someone isn’t necessarily trying to be an asshole – and therefore, may have decent intentions – but is coming off like a huge douche.

Over the past two weeks, since just before announcing that I was married, I’ve dealt with several situations where it’s clear to me that someone isn’t intending to be an asshole, but they are sincerely coming off like the world’s biggest one.

And it’s been about one thing and one thing only: my marriage. Surprisingly, many people in my life – both in my “real” life and my digital life – have seemed to have a hard time accepting that I’m married now. And that I have a husband, who is the most important human in my life.

And that – and this is the important one – I have boundaries.

I’m a writer. It’s sometimes what I do for a living and sometimes what I do for fun, but it’s always who I am. And I don’t write publicly because I love the process of getting up early, downing some coffee, and sitting down to pour my thoughts onto the page. I have a private journal for that. I write publicly because I believe in relating to people. I believe in taking down our walls and taking things out of the shadows, and putting things out in the open so that we can all start to realize how similar we truly are and that none of us are “freaks”. I write publicly because I believe in connecting with people, sincerely. I write publicly because I feel like sometimes, I may have some things to say, that are similar to things other people want to say.

I write publicly, truly, because I love getting the emails or Facebook messages or Twitter DMs or Insta chats from someone I’ve never met saying, “Thank you so much for writing about that. It’s something I’ve been struggling with too, and it made me feel better to know that I wasn’t alone.”

I write publicly because I believe that nothing matters at the end of the day except love – and that the way you get to love is through connection.

And these are all the same reasons that I believe in radical honesty: you can’t connect with another human when you have your guard up. You can’t connect with another human when you aren’t being 100% honest about you. And you definitely can’t connect with another human when you are trying to filter yourself.

So I write things. And I encourage people to reach out to me – constantly, whenever they want, about whatever they want. And I respond – constantly. And I love talking to people. And people are my passion.

But here’s the thing – I have boundaries.

Or maybe, let me rephrase and clarify: I have A boundary. 

Let me rephrase and clarify even further: I have A NEW boundary.

I have one really new, really big, really impermeable boundary that I have recently decided I need to be really clear about: Jonathon Richard Nowakowski. My husband. The man whose name I decided to take. The man who let me take his name.

And unfortunately, that hasn’t seemed clear to many people. Perhaps it’s my fault. It likely is my fault. I write about everything in my life – so how could I not write about the biggest thing in my life? I let people into things – my happiness, my sadness, my adventures – so of course, I wanted to let people into the greatest adventure.

But that has led to a situation in which people think that I actually have no boundaries. Because I let people in, it must mean that nothing is off limits, that everything is on the table, that there are no lines which must not be crossed.


There are limits. There are things off the table. And there are lines.

And one of them is my husband.

Over the past couple of weeks, people have made statements and comments and remarks that have not been very respectful of my husband. Or my marriage. Or me.

And people’s responses, when I or my husband ask them not to be so disrespectful or ask them what happened that they thought they could say something like that, have been to point to me, and my writing, and my views on monogamy. “Well, you don’t believe in monogamy so I assumed…” “Well, you wrote about this so I assumed…” “Well, you feel this way about this thing so I assumed…”

Maybe stop assuming. Because here’s the thing, not about me, but about nonmonogamy – and about my marriage: it still has boundaries. And here’s the thing, not about me, but about writing and writers: there are still limits.

Nonmonogamy doesn’t mean a free for all of flirting with me or my husband whenever you want – publicly or otherwise. Nonmonogamy doesn’t mean making derogatory comments about my marriage. Nonmonogamy doesn’t mean my husband and I are constantly searching for our next hookup, and that you can proposition either or both of us anywhere, anytime.

All nonmonogamy means is that we don’t believe that monogamy is the way to go. That’s it. That’s literally it.

And writing about everything, and letting people in to my life, doesn’t mean that people are free to take whatever they want from my life. Writing doesn’t mean that people are free to judge all of my actions – and then tell me exactly what they think. Writing doesn’t mean that people are free to view me as a character in a TV show – if I make a decision they disagree with, they are free to get angry at the writer.

If I’m being totally honest, I’ve wondered, over the past 24 hours, whether to stop writing completely. And whether to take my life offline, because as much as I have wanted to connect with people, it seems that many people don’t know how to connect without trying to take advantage.

We may have gotten married on April Fools’ Day. It may have been after just 8 weeks of being together. It may have been a surprise to some. Nothing about this may be considered normal to society as a whole, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be respected at the same level of the stuff that is considered “normal” to society as a whole.

Nothing about this marriage was done to entertain or impress or surprise others. It was done solely and exclusively to make myself and my husband the happiest we’ve ever been.

Just because I share my experiences with people – and this is my newest, greatest experience – doesn’t mean that the sanctity of my marriage shouldn’t be respected.

For any readers of my blog or friends of mine or Googlers of me, know this: it’s a really difficult thing to write about everything in your life so openly. It takes effort and time and mental energy. It’s done very intentionally, to connect with others.

And it’s disappointing when people take advantage of that, without first stopping to think whether or not they are being inappropriate or disrespectful or just plain rude. It may be done with the best of intentions, or it may be done as a joke, or it even may be done to push my boundaries and see which ones I actually have – but it’s still not a nice thing to do, at the end of the day, when it comes off as callously inconsiderate of something I really care about.

How I feel about writing or monogamy generally or sex or drugs or relationships generally or raves or swinger’s clubs or puppies or veganism or fitness or politics or racism or anything else you can think of is simply that: it’s how I feel about it. It’s what I’ve written about it. It’s completely open for you to ask me about and discuss with me. And I will literally never shut any discussion down about my views on things because I believe in love and connection.

My husband, though, and my marriage, are totally different topic areas. I write about him, I write about us, and I will continue to. And I hope people talk to me about it and ask me about it. But unlike the general topics I mentioned above, there will come a time I will shut discussions down. There will come a moment, if I’m engaging with someone being disrespectful of him or us, that I will say enough is enough. Just because I’ve written about certain things doesn’t give you an open pass to the most important thing in my life.

If you’re one of those people wondering about how to behave with a nonmonogamous couple where the wife is an open writer about all things personal: do yourself a favor and consider my marriage closed. No, we won’t be sleeping with you or flirting with you or discussing our life with you.

So for anyone that I may know in the digital world or in real life that may be wondering whether it’s appropriate to make shitty comments about my views on monogamy to my husband: it’s not. For anyone that I may know in the digital world or in real life that may be wondering whether it’s appropriate to hit on my husband while I’m standing right there: it’s not. For anyone that that I may know in the digital world or in real life that may be wondering whether it’s appropriate to continue to hit on me, just because of “how I feel about monogamy”: it’s not.

And especially for anyone that I may know in the digital world or in real life that wonders whether I actually have any boundaries: I do. And once again, his name is Jonathon Richard Nowakowski.

So I am going to continue writing about things that matter to me and I’m going to continue letting people in, because I believe strongly in it. In fact, even this post was a difficult one for me to write because I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think most people are just struggling with their own shit and trying to do their best and I want to acknowledge that and help people grow and move forward, as I grow and move forward. It takes a lot for me to actually get angry about something and stop giving people chances.

I am a person that likes to push societal boundaries – but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my own. Everyone should feel free to push the boundaries of their own life, but also respect the boundaries that other people have.

So I’ll keep writing.

But from now on, I’m also going to be much clearer about where the line is drawn. I may have changed a lot in the past year of traveling and blogging and writing and my opinions on things may have grown and developed in unexpected directions and my marriage might be a thing that came totally out of the blue to some people, but to me, the line is clear: my husband, and my marriage, are off limits to your interpretation or your disrespect or your unsolicited opinion.

How To Plan A Wedding In Two Weeks (There’s A Trick)

How To Plan A Wedding In Two Weeks (There’s A Trick)

Good morning again, LITMO Lifers! I am so happy to be back writing and sharing my new adventures with you!

Yesterday, I came back to writing to you after a long hiatus. When you heard the reason though, I’m sure it all made sense – I got married! And I talked a little bit about the rebrand The LITMO Life will be going through in the coming weeks. In that vein, I wanted to continue sharing things about my new life with you – and trust me, I kept a LIST of things I wanted to blog about during the wedding-planning process!

The first – how do you plan a wedding in two weeks? We technically got “engaged” three weeks out from our wedding, but that was just the beginning. We didn’t do any real communicating with anyone – including our parents – about it, for about another week as we were adjusting to the idea ourselves and figuring out if it was something we were really going to do. Then, two weeks out, with everyone on board, we hit the ground running with the plans.

Well, I use the term “we” loosely.

So – to answer the question posed by the title of this blog before I go any further, how DOES one plan a wedding in two weeks? There’s a trick, involved, are you ready? Marry the best man in the world that will plan the perfect wedding, because he loves you for you and knows he’s not marrying the world’s best bride.

Let me explain: I’m not very bride-y. In fact, I may even be the anti-bride. Several years ago, I wrote a piece for The Huffington Post called “Is Modesty In Women Overrated?” In that piece, I railed against the cultural traditions of marriage and babies being the thing we celebrate the most for women. What – because we could get married and give birth, we weren’t supposed to be heavily celebrating our other huge accomplishments? Like grad school, or published papers, or professional awards? I also talked about the fact that a woman engaged isn’t supposed to want to talk about anything other than being engaged and the wedding planning process – but the same ridiculous standard doesn’t exist for men. A man engaged will get congratulated, sure, but he will then be asked about the other things going on in his life, like work or play. A woman engaged, on the other hand, gets congratulated, and then is expected to sit there for minutes a time fawning over all of the wedding planning she is supposedly doing because for a woman, a wedding is considered the most important thing in her life.

It’s some serious fucking bullshit.

Beyond the fact that I hate that idea in theory, in practice, I also really hate planning and organizing. I am not one to spend longer than 3-4 minutes in a store – if they don’t have what I need, I’m out. I hate shopping, I hate making decisions, I hate figuring out what other people are going to want to eat or do or where they will need to sit, and I just don’t like getting my shit together enough to throw an even semi-formal party. I like the types of gatherings where you can tell a bunch of friends to come over, bring something, and chill out as long as they want at your house. I LOVE having get togethers – I just don’t love planning them all the time.

That wasn’t the worst of it, though – the worst of it was that I was dealing with some serious emotional difficulty leading up to the wedding. I knew, of course, from the moment we discussed it that Jonathon (which is how he will be referred to henceforth in The LITMO Life, because it’s not what he goes by with other people and I somehow like it better!) was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Hell, I knew he was the man I WOULD be spending the rest of my life with. I never had any doubts about him or about us or about the strength of our love.

What I did have doubts about though, was me. I had doubts that I could be someone’s wife in the way that they would need without imploding myself. I had doubts about whether I could continue to be me, in exactly the way that I am, without torpedoing this relationship that mattered so much to me. I had doubts that I could continue to be free and open and honest and build all of the other relationships in our lives that mean so much to me while I was also focusing on building a strong marriage.

In short, I had some serious freak outs.

I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything. I sincerely want and wanted to be his wife.

And yet, I had some to-be-expected freakouts.

You see, regular readers of The LITMO Life will know that I’m not a huge fan of commitment. I’m a huge fan of freedom. I’m a huge fan of doing whatever I want, whenever I want. I’m a huge fan of bouncing from place to place and thing to thing. I’m a huge fan of having no restrictions on me.

So, despite that I really, really wanted to be with this person – this cute, perfect, handsome, intelligent, kind Jonathon person – forever, it’s safe to say I was having a little bit of an emotional struggle. I was having a hard time focusing in the weeks leading up to the wedding, and though I was IMMENSELY excited to be married to him, I was slightly less excited about having a day where I was supposed to be the center of attention and everything was supposed to be “perfect.”

You see, I’m one of those people that believes firmly in the fallibility of a wedding day. Shit will go wrong – someone will be late, it might rain, the officiant might get caught in traffic, your dress might rip…anything could happen. Better to expect and roll with these punches, right? But that’s not the way most people see weddings – in fact, in the weeks leading up to our wedding, multiple people told me they had checked on the forecast, which was so nice and considerate of them! But my attitude was, well, if it rains, we’ll get married in the rain!  My groomy felt the same.

I also firmly believe that your wedding day should never be the “best day of your life,” as people make it out to be. It should be a great day – a wonderful day – filled with family and friends and lots and lots of love. But the BEST day of your life? Fucking no. It should be the beginning of a series of BEST days. And your best day should always be in front of you, rather than behind you (a wise friend gave me that one).

Anyway, the point is – with all of this swimming around in my head, I was having a hard time calming my shit down to plan the wedding. Not only was I also busy working full-time, I was also just not sure how to even go about planning a tiny beach wedding for just a few people and still make it fun and interesting. Plus, of course, I was freaking out.

So, what did I do? Well, I called my own personal superhero: Jonathon.

The Monday before the wedding, I called him early in the AM and told him, in no uncertain terms, that I was freaking out and that I needed him.

Pause to breathe if you must, because yes, I have the world’s best husband and we are building the world’s best relationship where we’re unequivocally honest with each other about everything, all the time. I don’t believe in veiled honesty, I don’t believe in partial honesty – as I’ve written on the blog before, I believe in RADICAL HONESTY. So naturally, my future husband was going to have to be someone who also believed in it, and more importantly, could handle it.

My superhero, that Monday, had a lot of special superhero things planned to do that day. He was working the next day, he had worked the day prior, he had just come off of studying really hard for a few weeks, he needed some stuff he had to do for the wedding – in short, he had a lot of shit going on. He didn’t really have time to deal with a freaked out bride that had no idea how to screw her head on that morning.

But since Jonathon is, of course, the superhero of our story – his superhero powers kicked in as soon as I called.

And you want to know what he did?

He blew off his entire day to come over, hang out with me, shoot the shit, and naked tie-dye in our living room.

Not only did my superhero not get freaked out about my freak out, he stayed calm and wonderful and assured of my love for him and his love for me and our perfect soulmate connection, and ignored everything else he had to do to spend the day with his future wife, calming her nerves and giving her the fun time that she needed.

And then, he did something even more amazing: he took over planning the wedding.

And he planned the most perfect, beautiful wedding I could have imagined.

See, while he was over, I told him that while I really wanted to contribute, I was having trouble dealing with my emotional shit and dealing with the logistics of the physical wedding shit. And I was working. So, without blinking an eye, my sweet, perfect husband told me he would take care of it.

“I got you, baby.”

And that was it.

So what’s the secret to planning a wedding in two weeks?

Marry the world’s best man, that will be there for you no matter what you’re going through, even if it’s directly related to him.

And then appreciate every moment.

P.S. Yes, you’ll hear more about the afternoon of naked tie-dying later.

How To Have A Fun Marriage: Get Naked As Often As Possible

How To Have A Fun Marriage: Get Naked As Often As Possible

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that one Monday before our wedding, my own personal superhero Jonathon blew off his beginning-of-the-week plans to come over and naked tie dye with a freaked-out bride (me). I also promised that you’d hear about it later. Well, it’s later now so let’s talk about getting married and getting naked!

(I’m going to pause here to make sure you know I will not be not sharing naked photos…today. Maybe a different day. If you must close the window and move on, I understand. But be warned: you may miss future updates for nudity.)

That Monday, I had no idea what I wanted. I just knew that I was nervous and needed him. When he got here, I still wasn’t sure what I wanted of him, but we had had in the back of our minds that we would tie dye his shoes together at some point before the wedding. The truth is, I’m not exactly sure how it turned into naked tie dyeing, but it did. And it was awesome.

You see, I’m a big fan of nudity. When it comes with sex, it’s obviously a huge bonus, but I also just like the idea of being without clothes as much as possible. The hippie in me thinks that clothes are a stupid, societal construct and that we were born naked so we may as well get used to our own nudity as well as each others’. The logical side of me just thinks it’s more comfy to be naked.

So naked tie dye we did. He stripped down completely and I ditched everything but my tiny g-string of a thong. And then we started prepping the tie dye space. I already had a plastic sheet laid down from working on my dress earlier (more on that later, too!) so we figured out some colors he might want to use on his shoes and a shirt that he had brought over. Then we got to work! In the middle of it, he realized that his boxers were white and he wanted to tie dye those too, so we did (I got to write “Anjali” on the butt of my husband’s boxers and it was amazing). And it was an incredibly fun afternoon, filled with bonding and closeness.

Now, of course, naked tie dyeing wasn’t the only reason that my freak-out calmed down. A lot of it had to do with the sensitivity of my husband and his ability to listen to me and relate to me, even if he wasn’t feeling what I was feeling. But the naked tie dye definitely helped! It was, in a way, a vulnerable experience, but one that didn’t feel vulnerable as it was happening. When you’re naked and tie dyeing, you’re not exactly looking your best. You’re twisting and contorting and getting dye all over. But you’re also having fun with your partner!

I could lie and say our naked tie dye session didn’t lead to fucking. But of course, it did. Multiple rounds. But that wasn’t the goal of the afternoon – the goal was to connect in a new, fun way. So in that vein, I wanted to share some thoughts I got out of the experience (and other naked experiences we’ve had together) on ways to have fun in a marriage!

1. Get naked.

This is clearly a no-brainer, because this entire post is about nudity. If you want to have more fun in your marriage, get naked more! Please note: I am not talking about fucking more, though that is obviously a perfect way to have more fun in your marriage, as well. I am just talking about getting naked more! Throw your clothes off in a situation you normally wouldn’t: watching a movie on the couch or cooking or even folding laundry. Let yourself be totally open and free with your spouse – you’ll be pretty fucking amazed at how close you feel doing so.

2. Do something new.

If you haven’t tried naked tie dyeing, I highly recommend it. But even if naked tie dyeing isn’t your thing, you can still find a new, fun activity to do with your partner, in the privacy of your own home. What many people don’t realize or don’t place enough emphasis on is that novel activities make you feel exhilarated and increase neural activity. If tie dye isn’t your jam, pick a different craft project – one you’ve never tried. Or create something useful together, like a quilt. Or play a new board game. Do something new and different to continue stimulating yourself and therefore, continue stimulating your marriage.

3. Do something old…in a new way.

Okay…so this one may be more about sex than my other points. Along with doing something new to help stimulate your brain and your marriage, try doing something old, in a new way. That was our first time naked tie dying, but since then, we’ve tie dyed on other occasions – new things (like our sheets) with new designs. Although we might be doing the same activity, we’re finding ways to make it more fun each time. This, of course, is true of sex, as well! When you decide to get married, you go in knowing that you will be having a lot of sex with that person for the rest of your life. In a traditionally monogamous marriage (which ours is not), you go in knowing you will ONLY have sex with that one person for the rest of your life. That makes it even more critical to continue reinventing the wheel when it comes to sex! Despite that we’re nonmonogamous and plan to swing and explore with others, I still want to make sure that sex continues to be fun and interesting and awesome for the both of us. This includes things like: greeting him at the door in a transparent slip, asking him if he wants to do naked yoga in our living room, and even, on one occasion, placing bets on a minigolf game where the loser….well, you get the idea.

4. Throw something dirty on in the background.

Yes, I mean porn. People feel different ways about porn – I accept this – and the porn industry is by NO means perfect, especially for women. That said, if you happen to be into (responsible) porn, try being into it with your partner. If you aren’t, try making your own. Yes – I’m serious! You don’t have to film a YouTube video, downloadable for all. You just need one private device (hell, buy an old camcorder) for some fun movie-making with your partner. Not only will you have fun making the actual movie, but it’ll be perfect to throw on in the background on your next naked event night! You don’t have to even be actively watching it to be having fun getting turned on with your partner. You may get super engrossed in whatever activity you are doing (like tie dye) but you may also need a break at some point and when you do…

5. Set some rules.

Dirty rules. I don’t mean set rules like, “One of us will do the dishes and one of us will make dinner.” I mean rules like, “One of us gets tied up and the other isn’t allowed to touch,” or “One of us gets to kiss anywhere we want and the other of us gets to touch anywhere we want but with no reciprocity” or even “One of us is the librarian and one of us didn’t pay our late fees.” Get creative. The whole point of being married is having a best friend for life, isn’t it? How much better is it if that best friend is one you are wildly attracted to that you get to fuck as often as possible, for as long as possible, with as much creativity as possible?

6. Find inspiration.

Inspiration for nudity, I mean. Loading the dishwasher? Try loading it in a thong. Watching a courtroom drama on a Wednesday night? On the next commercial break, try changing into a blazer and some glasses, with nothing on underneath. Find inspiration for your nakedness anywhere you can! I do – and I love it (and I suspect my husband does, too). Marriage isn’t about finding someone that is forced to love you forever because they signed a document with the state. It’s about GETTING to love someone forever because they picked you, too, and having fun with them every step of the way.

7. Don’t be afraid to ask.

For the things that you want. Or the things that you aren’t sure that you want. Or the things that you want to talk about. Healthy communication isn’t just a general marriage staple – it’s a necessary sex staple! It’s no fun if you’re having plain old boring vanilla sex just because you are too scared to communicate. Your spouse should be the person you trust most in the world, the person you can tell anything to. Ask for what you want (naked) – and then get excited to receive!

In case I haven’t made it clear in this blog, I think nudity is awesome. Especially when it leads to fun, naked time with your spouse.

And yes, I accept that I might sound nuts, but before you judge, go ahead and schedule a naked tie dye session with your spouse…then come back and tell me whether you’re happy to be called nuts, too. 🙂


To Love Is An Act Of Rebellion

To Love Is An Act Of Rebellion

To love is an act of rebellion.

In this world of us, them, borders, walls, autonomy, chains, openness, lies, the act of loving is an act in defiance of all we are conditioned to do and be.

To love does not mean just to love romantically. To love means to love those that impact you: family, friends, neighbors. To love means to love people and animals, all creatures with the capacity for pain and love. To love means to love all others, despite their perceived “otherism.” To love means to love all.

To love also means, most importantly, to love yourself. To love means to be true to yourself. To love means to search for your own personal happiness at all costs and pursue it relentlessly, despite what you’re told or how you’ve been conditioned to stop.

To love means to be better. In a world where “they” don’t want us to be better, to love is the ultimate act of rebellion.

Who are “they”? The creators of modern society. The heads of state. The greedy and wealthy.

“They” are the ones that have built the system of perceived – but false – freedom. “They” are the ones who can’t think beyond their system of bills and debts and jobs and buildings and mortgages and insurance and monogamy and white picket fences and bondage and cowardice.

In a world where everyone is the same, and everyone needs to continue to be the same for their systems continue working, to love means to be different.

To love, unfortunately, means to do what others aren’t. To love is to reject the hatred that necessarily comes with forming small unions. To love is to accept that while perceived personal similarities seem to form bonds, they actually form ruptures, among those who who are perceived different.

To love doesn’t mean to be silent. To love, in this day and age, means to fight.

To love doesn’t mean giving up your personhood. It doesn’t mean relinquishing your body. It doesn’t mean laying down before those that would harm you.

To love means accepting that the world as it’s been built for us can’t continue.

To love means to ignore those that would question your love of self, of humankind, of animalkind.

To love means to ignore the silly answers to the silly questions, the silly solutions to the silly problems.
To love means to stop parsing the silly words.

To love means to reject the silly distractions that have been created for us to look the other way.

To love means to stop watching the silly television. To love means to stop reading the idiotic articles. To love means to use social media as a means of human connection and if you can’t, to love means to give it up. To love means to focus on what matters in the world – love – and change and growth.

To love – to rebel – means to understand that nothing really matters except love. Except, as the world stands now, rebellion.

To love means to reject the narrative we’re given. To love means to decline to believe that black teenagers deserve to be shot, that Muslim store-owners deserve to be terrorized, that women deserve to be raped.

To love is to understand that it’s a fallacy that good people don’t do bad things. To love is to realize the hallmark of those that shape history isn’t good versus evil. It’s strength versus weakness.

It’s the strength to stand up for love.

Good people often do bad things. Strong people do not.

To love is to be honest with yourself and others.

To love is to unchain.

Are Great Minds Born Out Of Just Being Sick Of All The Bullshit?

Are Great Minds Born Out Of Just Being Sick Of All The Bullshit?

Are great meditative minds born out of just being sick of all the bullshit?

I don’t consider myself a great mind by any stretch – but I do think I have a tendency to question what I’ve been told or see around me. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have quit my job to travel full-time and I wouldn’t hold a lot of the beliefs I do (like not believing in monogamy, for example). I think it’s that same tendency to question that has led me to the following place: sick of all the bullshit.

When I say “all” the bullshit, I’m including both major and minor bullshit into that analysis. The “major” bullshit: Donald Trump getting elected, racist cops that kill people for no reason, wars happening, children dying. The “minor” bullshit: people that don’t give a shit about what’s happening in the world, people that are selfish, people that sell air to other people through internet advertising.

The last example may seem weird, but it’s what got me to this “sick of the bullshit” place. Because I’m a blogger and I post about my own blogs, Facebook has been showing me advertisements for other bloggers that are trying to build their own businesses. Even if you aren’t a blogger, you may have seen the “here’s how I grew my email list to 20,000 subscribers in three months” or other various bullshit posts.

The thing is, information like that could be helpful. If any of it were true. If you really had grown your email list to 20,000 subscribers in a short amount of time, you’d be selling and talking to your base and doing what you love, not selling bullshit marketing courses on the internet. And that’s what I am calling them – bullshit – because most of them are born out of people just trying to make money by selling “strategies” that don’t really work.

And I’m sick of it. Just like I’m sick of people living fake lives on Instagram, I really hate the trend of bloggers selling bridges to other bloggers as the “best’ means of making money. The LITMO Life is about travel, yes, but it’s also about living the life you want. I wrote a post about the best blogging tools a few weeks ago, because I do love blogging, but almost as soon as I wrote it, I realized I didn’t want to go that direction with my blog. I don’t want to encourage people to do exactly what I’m doing or even learn to do what I’m doing – I want people to think critically about what might make them happy and then I want to help them achieve that.

I’m also pretty sick of this trend f people being caught up in their own lives, to the extent that they can’t even notice what’s happening around them. Like, I understand if you like traveling, or sports, or makeup – but does that mean you can’t also be knowledgeable about what’s going on in the world and find a way to help? Does that mean you have to look away when someone shows you or tells you real information?

Our world is so screwed up to the extent that we praise and value and spend money on celebrity worship and we willfully ignore what’s happening to our neighbors and friends. We spend a lot of our time on the internet, but instead of learning or growing, we’re busy conning other humans into buying dumb shit.

All this bullshit stuff has been bothering me so much that I’ve considered quitting blogging and social media. Still sort of considering it. The problem is that I really love blogging, but I’m not sure my psyche can handle all the crappiness and deception and marketing that comes along with it. I also love social media, most of the time, but when it becomes a tool to sell people bridges and other bloggers seem to have no problem with that, I hate that, too.

I’ve lately started to think the answer might be just going to live in the mountains somewhere and starting a farm or something where I am totally self-sustaining and isolated, with my puppy. It kind of sounds like paradise, no?