For a long time in public, social situations I’ve always felt like what I dubbed “the freak at the dinner table.”
I’m talking about those Freak Moments (FMs) when I’ve been engaged in some kind of outing or gathering with other people and have had this one creepy second where I’ve thought to myself: “Why am I such a freak?”
Moments like this: At a wedding and someone asks me about my relationship status, so I rush to think of something pleasant to say, while simultaneously thinking “what? traditional monogamy? fuck that.” Or at a work event where I’m offered some barbecue chicken or pork loin or steak on a stick (is that a thing?) and I politely decline with a simple “no, thank you,” while realizing I’d much rather be talking about the actual reason I’m declining (hello animal cruelty), instead of making sure not to bring it up so as not to be the subject of a political debate over drinks. Or when people are talking about how much they love their kids at some social event and I’m just like, “oh you mean those tiny humans that are like little leeches of time and energy?”
All of those FMs add up to me often feeling like “the freak at the dinner table.”
Don’t get me wrong: I’m about to turn 30 and I’ve made my peace with all these ways that I’m “different.” For the most part. I’m happy with who I am and I realize everything I’ve experienced in life led me to this moment. I get that. I’m good with it.
Except when I’m not.
In deciding to quit my job to travel full-time and figure out if there’s some elusive “more” to live, I’ve had several FMs where instead of just feeling on the outside of the pack, I’ve felt more like I wished I could change who I am to be on the inside of the pack.
Sometimes, it would be nice to be the girl that everyone thinks of as stable, happy with her husband and 2.3 kids and white picket fence and 9-5 job, smiling gleefully in posed Facebook pictures next to my husband, the children I birthed or my latest award from work.
Mostly, I feel like people think of me as the totally unstable girl who never knows what she wants from moment to moment but sure as shit isn’t happy unless she’s active, moving things along, growing, stirring things up and generally, being transient in every facet of life. I couldn’t manage to continue eating animals because THAT life wasn’t for me. Then I couldn’t manage to stay practicing law because THAT life wasn’t for me. Then I couldn’t manage to stay married because THAT life sure as FUCK wasn’t for me. Now, I can’t manage to stay sitting still in one place because THIS life isn’t for me.
Is that I’m on some greater pursuit of a better life for myself or is it just that I’m impatient and easily bored? Am I doing something noble, in searching for happiness, or am I just a selfish asshole? In 10 years, will I feel glad I gave something else a chance or will I just feel even more removed from “normal”?
I’ve had multiple friends and my trusted therapist tell me that the answers to those questions don’t really matter, because for now, I am who I am. Although people keep referring to this journey as me “finding myself,” I feel much more like I’m about to just start “being myself.”
I’m still, though, struggling with those questions. Wondering what the fuck happened along the way that I couldn’t just fit into the traditional mold and sometimes, realizing that fitting into the traditional mold would be the easier path.
None of this changes anything or impacts any decisions I will make or alters my plans in any way, it’s just food for thought. Why do some people fit so easily into their lives and others pull and push and stretch every single boundary?
What are some Freak Moments you’ve had recently? This is one of those times I’d love to hear about them. After all, if we’re all having Freak Moments, at least some of the time, then maybe in my head, I can stop referring to them as “Freak” Moments and just start referring to them as “Human” Moments.